Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Start of an Explanation

I know my last post was abrupt and unexpected. Maybe, as Dan suggested, my leaving this blog will merely be a sabbatical, maybe through the holidays. Maybe until spring, in that glorious season of resurrection. Maybe forever. At this point, I just don't know. There's part of me that feels terribly lost right now, much of which, I realize, is related to the loss of our baby. And added to it all, I feel as if this blog gums things up for me sometimes with my writing, keeps me from being the writer I want to be, and the provider that I, right now, feel that I desperately need to be (how that all works out, or why that wound hurts so badly right now, I haven't the slightest).

Then again, all of that simply may be my confusion right now. It may merely be me, in my grief, digging up the shallow, marked graves of a lifetime of griefs and regrets and losses - of deaths. I need time to mourn all of it. And to rebury most of it.

I appreciate your affection that spills over, so naturally, into prayer.

I will still be a reader and commenter on your blogs, for those of you who have them. And I may add things to my "Shared" list in the sidebar from time to time, or update pictures. But my writing, for now, will take place in other venues. And I hope productively so as I deal with everything that hinders me in that arena, the biggest obstacle being me.

2 comments:

HIllbilly Rockin' Robin said...

I am hurting for you. The emptiness, the questions, the pain...to a degree I understand and empathize with where you are. I enjoy reading your blog, but my wishing you to continue is from my flesh and a selfish desire...It helps me feel connected to you and your family. Scott, you are a gifted writer, an incredible father, a cherished husband, and, to us, a faithful friend. Please do not allow Satan to feed you lies that are not TRUE! The enemy says it all and if you choose to believe it, it leaves a mortal wound that is slow - if ever - to heal. Trust me, I know. I was thinking today about how our culture has changed from keeping "locked diaries" to internet blogs for the world to read. There are some things we need to process and grieve without knowing the world is watching. I encourage you to write...it serves as a great outlet for you. How expressive you are from your heart! Write it just for yourself, share it with Laura, have an anonymous blog - whatever, but keep writing. I know it is something you love to do. I hope you never stop. Whenever you return...I'll look forward to reading. For now, I do pray you will keep in touch. Please know our door is always open with hugs waiting for everyone in your family! We do love you all! And, we mourn with you in the loss of your child. It will be a sweet reunion in heaven one day.

ScottB said...

Wow, man - I take a break from the blogosphere and I miss everything. Praying for you and your family.