I would not relive this week.
Though I've been waiting to write about it, we found out about a month ago that we would be having our fifth baby at the end of December, on the 29th.
Laura started bleeding mid-week, however, and yesterday morning we discovered that we had lost the baby. This baby is the first we've lost and, honestly, I don't know how to grieve. It comes over me unexpectedly. I cry. I want to escape from it, but I can't.
I don't know how to grieve. God is present here, in my home, in my sorrow, in my death. How that is and moves forward within the severity of it all, I don't know. It doesn't surprise me. I don't even know how to grieve.
I pray for my baby, though I know I do not need to. (Daddy loves you.)
I desperately want to hold her, and now I never will. I will never be able to teach her how to pray. Or what a duck says. Or the sound of my voice. Or the rhythm of hers. I will never sit with her on the back porch and watch a sunset. She will never fall asleep on my chest or in my arms. I will never hear her laugh. I will never comfort her, or need to. I will never bore her with Shakespeare. I will never give her piggy-back rides. We will never wrestle.
There will be no hugs. No kisses.
And so I die. Resurrect me, Father.
And I don't want to talk to you about it. This post is not for you. I need this, because praying and crying and writing are the only things, it seems, I know how to do right now. I don't know so many things.
The record of my son or my daughter whom I will never hold begins today.
I cry. I pray. I write. But mostly I just cry.
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now,
Or am I lost?No one's daughter, allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
or am I lost?O, I love you
Don’t you know I love you
And I always am
Hallelujah
Will you come with me?Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me?Am I lost with you?
Am I lost with you?
Am I lost with you?- Damien Rice
