Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Let's Talk about Sex

I don't remember exactly what grade it was, though I think it was third grade. We were at a museum on a field trip and the tour guide stopped the class in front of a statue of a fat, naked bald man.

"Is this a man or a woman?" She said.

A flurry of hands shot up. One, called on, said, "A man."

"That's right," she said. "How do we know that the statue is a man?"

I raised my hand high and was called on. "Because he doesn't have any hair," I said.

"No," said the tour guide. "You can tell because he has a penis." Now, everyone and his brother could see Mr. Wiggles, but most of us knew better than to be talking about it in mixed company.

Today, I took Anna, Avery, and Will to eat at Chick-fil-A. There was one lady who looked a little slow, God bless her, and was dressed in the sexless uniforms typical of fast-food joints. Her hair was short. Her face was not dinstinctively feminine. There was little that was distinctively feminine about her.

Avery, the yellow-haired child, said to me, "What's his name?"

"I don't know what her name is," I said.

"Maybe we should call him Ketchup Boy," she said.

I nodded thoughtfully - the employee was spending a lot of time around the condiment station. "How about 'Ketchup Girl'?" I said.

"Okay," said the yellow-haired child.

In Target today it struck me just how oversexed our culture is. Every woman's magazine I saw advertised tips on better sex. Diets and Sex. Diets and Sex. It's all the magazines advertised. Even Martha had a magazine: Diets and Prison Sex. Well, I didn't see the last one, but I've sent the idea to Martha. Sigh. So many dead trees, so little good sex.


alison said...

Wait, wait, wait. Who did you have in third grade. I was thinking you were with me in Blystra's but am I making that up? If you were, then this memory was not third grade or I had a sick day because I have no recollection, Senator, of this little anecdote.

"We all saw Mr. Wiggles..." That's good stuff.

Are you trying to up your traffic by doing a blog on sex? :)

Scott said...

As far as traffic, I'm thinking about blogging solely on sex in the future. : )

It may have been another year, Alison, because I was in Blystra's class. Maybe it was my stint in public school.

alison said...

I thought you were.

It just cracks me up that we are dropping in and out of each other's lives on a daily basis after 15 years of silence.

Wasn't that a good year? I don't have a lot of memories of it , but it seemed like a good, peaceful year, my only one in a split grade class.

Best wishes on your new subject endeavors. Remember me when you're famous!

Dan said...

It was a better year over in Mrs. Ames class. ;-)

Scott...your talk of a field trip with something to do with "sex" made me wonder if you were headed towards an entry about the Ontario Science Museum in the Fifth grade and a couple of horny little fifth graders making out in the movie theater that was on a continuous loop about rabies... :-)

Sherry C said...

Your title surely got my attention, and Mr. Wiggles was indeed hilarious, but I'm just loving the fact that your daughter came up with the nickname Ketchup Boy.

Sherry C said...

You know, at some point, you would think that we, as consumers in general, would realize that good sex cannot be achieved by reading a magazine article. If it could, then one article, reprinted, would suffice. The mere presence of that many articles implies that all those preceding them were ineffectual.

Scott said...

Dan, I remember those kids. Mrs. Ames, funnily, reminded one scared little boy of his mother for some odd, odd reason. Maybe it was her height. Or maybe because she was Brazilian and my mother was Polish. Something like that.

Sherry, I think people enjoy the fantasy of sex (and better sex) more than they actually enjoy sex, thus the articles. Though that could just be me. Hehehe - Kidding. Really. No, really.

Jamie Dawn said...

The magazine thing is out of control. Diets and sex are the main topics, as you said, followed closely by best recipes (to make us fat after we follow the diets).

Sherry C said...

Yes, JD, that's what always cracks me up, the combination of sure-fire diet plans and Ten Irresistable Comfort Food Recipies on every cover.